my heart yearns to hate you, I wish I could rip your every memory out of my soul but I don't for the fear that nothing would be left. You have crushed me as a person, your happiness only brings me sadness. Your face only brings me tears. How can you smile and laugh while I suffer in pain, was all your words lies, I would not be surprised. So easily you manipulated the world around you to gain benefit not once did you think I have a heart or that I am a living breathing individual. I loved you with all my heart, giving you my whole heart and soul keeping nothing for myself. What did I get in return, my heart in a bag broken into a million pieces. Why me what did I ever do to anyone, I never hurt anyone's feelings, I never gossiped, I never talked trash about someone, I always tried to be just and fair. Maybe somewhere in the past I have been unfaithful and now destiny is being unfaithful with me. In the past 4 years I may have cried for 2 whole years everyday from all the pain and suffering you put me through but in the end here I am again weeping when I see your picture hoping that I will catch a glimpse of you on the highway. I destroyed myself so U could created the girl of your dreams in my empty and tattered body. In the end I lost myself, u and everything I took pride in for 18 years before I met you.

This has become my favorite song I watched this movie it was so cute. how is it that music can make us come alive say the things that are on the tip of our tongue but we aren't able to say. Let me know what you think..

marriage

Everyone I know around me is getting married its so depressing but whats even more depressing is that I have kept this blog for almost a year and nobody has read it. I have been thinking about K a lot lately I dont know y I just can't let it go??

the show must go on...

I was watching the movie sex and the city lol, what a joke, thats why I love chick flicks they are always so light and airy nothing heart felt and depressing. My best friend has left me for her family in Iowa uhhh why cant she still live down the street from me. My other best friend also went home to Chicago so I am all alone desperate to turn a new leaf in life and trying every possible thing to distract myself. Tomorrow baking yay I am so excited lol. I have been so sick these last few days with a head cold finally I feel better, tomorrow I am going to my friend's house to help her babysit thats exciting. I want to take up photography I wonder how that goes do you just keep taking pictures until u become good? I guess I'll find out. all this hobby trying is really breaking the bank, I have made like 10 trips to Michael's to get scrap booking stuff. any cool tips on scrap booking pls let me know first time. I hope it turns out nice if it does i will post pictures if it doesn't well then I will try again.

Ok so I am allowing myself one paragraph of K talk so here is goes, I cant believe I failed 3 classes, I guess thats really not his fault its mine I should have worked harder, but he always occupied so much of my time and to top it off he broke of the engagement during final week thats real nice. I couldnt see my books through the rivers of tears flowing from my eyes anyway now that I look back at it I am glad its over it was just bad for me to be in a miserable relationship I wasnt able to get out of it. IDK maybe this is my way of making excuses so I dont have to hurt.

learning to post

SO i have never been great at this whole blogging thing. I use it as my outlet but it seems like the only thing I am getting out is about someone else. So now starting today using the inspiration of my fellow bloggers I will write about my thoughts my feelings. 4 years I haven't thought about myself I don't know where to start. I just graduated with a BS in Bio started applying for jobs but the job market looks like slim pickings. I might also look in chicago, I think it is so beautiful, there are so many muslims there it might be easier to transition away from my parents if I have desi aunties and uncles around all the time. I was also thinking about taking up my old hobbies again. I loved horseback riding now that I think about it I don't know why I stopped? I have always wanted to take a photography course maybe its time I do? Slowly I will get to know myself, I have become this unknown mush of a blob that was scared to be herself because he may not like it. I was watching a desi drama today called Doraha, sara says its been so many days since someone has cursed at me or beat me up it feels weird. thats how I feel 16 days since no one has told me I mean nothing and that if I dont "behave" they will throw me out of their lives. A part of me wants to thank him if he wouldn't have ended our engagement I would have been alone sad and miserable my whole life.

How do you start from scratch it is something I have just started to learn. Its hard at first, like learning to feel for the first time again. I wish I could escape but that is not possible I have to just move forward without hesitation the longer I dwell in the past its harder for me to move forward.

slowly I am starting to learn how to live again 5 years I lived and breathed for someone else, somewhere between then and now I forgot who I was. Life will go on whether I like it or not so I must suck it up take a deep breath and start living for myself. Seeing the world through my sunglasses and no one else. I forgot what it means to be happy, I forgot the feeling of happiness, slowly I am figuring it out.

its so surprising how at one second you feel the world is at your feet and then by the loss of one component your whole world crumbles to the ground. How is it possible that life is put together with such difficulty but it takes only one sentence to break it apart.

heartbreak

frustration, anger, guilt, hurt these are all the feelings he makes me feel, everyday now i need something to make me stronger something to show me that I will be ok without him. He couldn't even say it to my face whats wrong with him? honestly, this was too low yet still I wait for him why what did I do to deserve this from anyone. He is a heartless bag of rocks partially its my fault that I let someone have this much control over me, I let someone manipulate me and take advantage of my feelings, my love, my kindness all of this stuff is my fault had I stayed true to myself things would have never gone this way. whats the point of life right now whats the point of death, dying wont fix the pain, I am tired of games im tired of life, its too much now, i dont know what to do.