my heart yearns to hate you, I wish I could rip your every memory out of my soul but I don't for the fear that nothing would be left. You have crushed me as a person, your happiness only brings me sadness. Your face only brings me tears. How can you smile and laugh while I suffer in pain, was all your words lies, I would not be surprised. So easily you manipulated the world around you to gain benefit not once did you think I have a heart or that I am a living breathing individual. I loved you with all my heart, giving you my whole heart and soul keeping nothing for myself. What did I get in return, my heart in a bag broken into a million pieces. Why me what did I ever do to anyone, I never hurt anyone's feelings, I never gossiped, I never talked trash about someone, I always tried to be just and fair. Maybe somewhere in the past I have been unfaithful and now destiny is being unfaithful with me. In the past 4 years I may have cried for 2 whole years everyday from all the pain and suffering you put me through but in the end here I am again weeping when I see your picture hoping that I will catch a glimpse of you on the highway. I destroyed myself so U could created the girl of your dreams in my empty and tattered body. In the end I lost myself, u and everything I took pride in for 18 years before I met you.

This has become my favorite song I watched this movie it was so cute. how is it that music can make us come alive say the things that are on the tip of our tongue but we aren't able to say. Let me know what you think..

marriage

Everyone I know around me is getting married its so depressing but whats even more depressing is that I have kept this blog for almost a year and nobody has read it. I have been thinking about K a lot lately I dont know y I just can't let it go??

the show must go on...

I was watching the movie sex and the city lol, what a joke, thats why I love chick flicks they are always so light and airy nothing heart felt and depressing. My best friend has left me for her family in Iowa uhhh why cant she still live down the street from me. My other best friend also went home to Chicago so I am all alone desperate to turn a new leaf in life and trying every possible thing to distract myself. Tomorrow baking yay I am so excited lol. I have been so sick these last few days with a head cold finally I feel better, tomorrow I am going to my friend's house to help her babysit thats exciting. I want to take up photography I wonder how that goes do you just keep taking pictures until u become good? I guess I'll find out. all this hobby trying is really breaking the bank, I have made like 10 trips to Michael's to get scrap booking stuff. any cool tips on scrap booking pls let me know first time. I hope it turns out nice if it does i will post pictures if it doesn't well then I will try again.

Ok so I am allowing myself one paragraph of K talk so here is goes, I cant believe I failed 3 classes, I guess thats really not his fault its mine I should have worked harder, but he always occupied so much of my time and to top it off he broke of the engagement during final week thats real nice. I couldnt see my books through the rivers of tears flowing from my eyes anyway now that I look back at it I am glad its over it was just bad for me to be in a miserable relationship I wasnt able to get out of it. IDK maybe this is my way of making excuses so I dont have to hurt.

learning to post

SO i have never been great at this whole blogging thing. I use it as my outlet but it seems like the only thing I am getting out is about someone else. So now starting today using the inspiration of my fellow bloggers I will write about my thoughts my feelings. 4 years I haven't thought about myself I don't know where to start. I just graduated with a BS in Bio started applying for jobs but the job market looks like slim pickings. I might also look in chicago, I think it is so beautiful, there are so many muslims there it might be easier to transition away from my parents if I have desi aunties and uncles around all the time. I was also thinking about taking up my old hobbies again. I loved horseback riding now that I think about it I don't know why I stopped? I have always wanted to take a photography course maybe its time I do? Slowly I will get to know myself, I have become this unknown mush of a blob that was scared to be herself because he may not like it. I was watching a desi drama today called Doraha, sara says its been so many days since someone has cursed at me or beat me up it feels weird. thats how I feel 16 days since no one has told me I mean nothing and that if I dont "behave" they will throw me out of their lives. A part of me wants to thank him if he wouldn't have ended our engagement I would have been alone sad and miserable my whole life.

How do you start from scratch it is something I have just started to learn. Its hard at first, like learning to feel for the first time again. I wish I could escape but that is not possible I have to just move forward without hesitation the longer I dwell in the past its harder for me to move forward.

slowly I am starting to learn how to live again 5 years I lived and breathed for someone else, somewhere between then and now I forgot who I was. Life will go on whether I like it or not so I must suck it up take a deep breath and start living for myself. Seeing the world through my sunglasses and no one else. I forgot what it means to be happy, I forgot the feeling of happiness, slowly I am figuring it out.

its so surprising how at one second you feel the world is at your feet and then by the loss of one component your whole world crumbles to the ground. How is it possible that life is put together with such difficulty but it takes only one sentence to break it apart.

heartbreak

frustration, anger, guilt, hurt these are all the feelings he makes me feel, everyday now i need something to make me stronger something to show me that I will be ok without him. He couldn't even say it to my face whats wrong with him? honestly, this was too low yet still I wait for him why what did I do to deserve this from anyone. He is a heartless bag of rocks partially its my fault that I let someone have this much control over me, I let someone manipulate me and take advantage of my feelings, my love, my kindness all of this stuff is my fault had I stayed true to myself things would have never gone this way. whats the point of life right now whats the point of death, dying wont fix the pain, I am tired of games im tired of life, its too much now, i dont know what to do.

today I went out to lunch with my friend and she asked about us and I almost started crying I guess a part of me never wanted it to be over. Not much I can do about that now I emailed him and apologized I am not sure what I wanted in return. Lets hope this seperation is eased I hope his parents arrive soon so that he will become distracted. although he is probably not thinking about me anyway whenever we took a break he always moved on so fast I was always the one left holding on to our last memory together. It hard to move on when your stuck in the past. time to move forward and put the past in a box.

im watching this pakistani drama and the guy reminds me of Kashif he goes back home with his wife and instead of telling them that she is his wife she becomes his friend. what a loser it made me so mad. Oh well there is no point in thinking about this now. For some reason I can't stop thinking about him whenever I have free time hes on my mind I remember all the great times we had together its hard to remember the fights and all the reasons we split up.

Missing u

the thing i miss most about you is your company, going to the movies, dinner, chicago. I miss the time we spent together. Inshallah one day we will both find ourself

what happens when you realize the thing you feared most has come true. I am truly alone now, I pushed and I pushed him away. Why didn't I give it another chance. I miss him a lot I wish he could hold me and cuddle me make me feel better. Its to late now I'm all alone now no one to share this life with.

what happens when you realize your being sucked into the same whole you just crawled out of. I was in a horrible relationship for 3 years and finally took a breathe without him and now here again he has entered my thoughts. i find myslef calling him for useless reasons again why do i do this to myself i cant run i see him everyday what should i do. what is there left to do. I am so lost and confused and scared

what have i ever done to piss someone off. Its like im the untouchable no one has time or room for me in their life. I'm so tired of being left out what did i do to you why dont you just tell me whats wrong why dont you like me

comprehension

its hard to comprehend the true definition of beauty because if varies between cultures and continents. But one thing that matters is if you find yourself beautiful. Women at times will say that thier true motivation to look beautiful is themselves thats not the truth we all do it for the on lookers for a sense of satisfaction something that will make us believe we matter whether it is a beautiful thing we are doing or beautification of ourself it is done to please someone else. All deeds in religion are done to please GOD. Looks all things are done to please people,fashion, significant other. what do we as women have to ourselves the one thing we truly only do for ourselves. I have been depressed for such a long time and I am now understanding why. I have been with a guy for 4 years now and he is never happy with me whether its what i say the way i look what i cook. We are in possibly the most complicated, unhealthy relationship on earth we have broken up at least 10 times in 4 years yet somehow i keep going back to him hoping that something i do will gain his satisfaction I dont know what to do everyone told me from day one we were different and that i had different goals than him that he wasnt for me but i kept pushing for what so he can tell me how fat i am or how much my cooking needs to improve. today for instant i told him to stop treating me like shit in reply he said that stop acting like shit. i hope one day that life will get easier

I havent been to classes in 2 weeks today is my first day back I am scared. We got back together I am not sure how I feel about it but we did I dont know what to think about us yet I am scared of getting hurt mama says that its all upto me now she has backed down and has decided to stop telling me what to do and what not to. I hope that we can make it work but at the same time there is a part of me that doesnt want it too. I wish it was that simple that I could just pick one. Stay with him get married take care of his parents and his children or stay single work on becoming healthy healing from the inside out. I know deep down that I cant be with him but I guess a part of me wishes when his parents come he does forget all about me. Its hard to know how to act what to say I'm tired of playing this game. over and over again the same circles never really knowing what I should be saying what I should be feeling because all I know is what I do feel and that is an unsatisfying and unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate this I hate telling him something and then changing it. will cont later...

today is not that bad

So finally a friday I am so excited and I got out of work earlier than usual. In a moment of weakness I texted him last night and as I was hitting the send button in my heart I wanted him to pick up and say hes outside but instead he was sleeping as always here I am sleepless becoming a major insomniac and he is sleeping like a baby. I am seriously obsessed this can in no possible way be healthy. I really hope that I can focus on school just finish it and move on with my life. I feel alone here like I have lost my best friend my confidant even without trying to I feel like I should have at least stayed close but then we were never good at drawing lines. One thing would lead to another and then another.

forever waiting...

There are times where I wait for hour after hour for him just to come online so I can stare at his name I open the chat box click on his name write hi but I can never muster up the courage to send it. I don't understand if its my ego that prevents me. Hopefully once his parents come he will be so distracted that he never comes online and slowly he will fade from my heart I wish it was that easy but its not. I want to go far far away from here. to a place where there is no heartbreak. I always read the work that you do is only counted by your niat what is my niat. Am i doing this to become a better person, discover myself, and become a better muslim. Or am I only doing it because I think i can do better.

recovery

what does it take to recover from a tragedy? Is there a process for each individual tragedy or is there an over all 10 step process? I am trying ever so gently to recover from this painful and heartfelt break up. Like with all painful recoveries it takes time and on cold days your scars hurt. I pray for only one thing that when I move on into the future my past doesn't hold me back. I love him has to now become I loved him, my heart is not ready for such a great transition yet my brain has made a decision my heart must compromise with. I will try to remember to keep it one day at a time. For a while I tried to blame him, thinking he emotionally abused me but it was myself all along. I needed attention and lots of it, maybe it was too much for him to handle. I don't know no one can say why or how now. Although secretly in my heart I need and pray for his company once again I know that it can never be so and although it is only an arms reach away I should steer clear of "pick me ups" If it hadn't been for this blog all my feelings would stay bottled up and I would burst like champagne out of a shaken bottle, in one burst on the poor innocent soul who touched me. Life must move on time never stops for anyone so why should I let the past prevent me from moving into my present and later on into my future.

perfect email

So last time we broke up he wrote me the worlds sweetest email. It made fall madly in love with him all over again. Why can't we be happy together why do so many things play such a big role in our small lives. I love him why wasn't that enough to keep us a float. That is the problem with our culture the individuals happiness is sacrificed for the group. I guess this is all I have now memories and his scent. He was wonderful and my jaan, but I guess what had to end ended.

too many feelings

Apparently, I have too many feelings how is that even possible. I can be quiet emotional at times though its not my fault, I get hurt easily. But why does he do things that will hurt me when i repeatedly have told him not too. What is love? this is such a confusing term to try and define. Can you love someone but not like them as a person? I think I loved him once, but he let me down so many times that it decreased. Since I was a child I had dreamt of the day that I would fall in love and prince charming would come and sweep me off my feet, but when he did come it wasn't romantic. He was controlling and possessive, my life had become revolved around him I had no friends, no social life nothing. I was all alone and all his. He made me do things I was uncomfortable with but I did them to keep him. Why is it that we try so hard to keep the ones we love?

relationship suicide

I was listening to my favorite band the script today, and I realized the difference between my relationships and the one they sing about is that I did this to myself. I am singing the song but I am also the one leaving. I don't know what to do it hurts to break your own heart but sometimes your emotions become involuntary and can cause a lot of damage. He wasn't good for me, he loved me but he didn't respect me. It would have never worked out. Maybe if I keep telling myself this over and over again I will believe it. I heard that you just have to wait out this pain, and eventually it will go away. What if I never find anyone better than him what if everyone is worse. what will i do.

Unfortunately the more you try to run from the past the faster it catches up to you. I tried to forget old times and move on but I keep getting pulled back into this bad romance. What should I do to occupy myself so much time with him and now nothing? I feel lost, and betrayed. At first it was fun being single again meeting people, making new friends, but its enough now I want stability I want security. I don't think I will ever get that again. I should take a positive outlook though as they say its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I can think of a million reasons why I left but none of them seem to make me feel any better.

At times, it feels like all the air in my lungs has been removed. It is hard to take one breath without him, but its necessary. Sometimes we have to look at the bigger picture and not just at our emotions. A relationship needs more than just love, and that is all we had. How will I ever find someone else? I wonder if he thinks of me or has he already moved on? There are so many things I wanted to accomplish, and I thought without him I would, yet here I am standing still. Hoping, praying, that this becomes easier with time and that the heart ache turns slowly into acceptance.