I havent been to classes in 2 weeks today is my first day back I am scared. We got back together I am not sure how I feel about it but we did I dont know what to think about us yet I am scared of getting hurt mama says that its all upto me now she has backed down and has decided to stop telling me what to do and what not to. I hope that we can make it work but at the same time there is a part of me that doesnt want it too. I wish it was that simple that I could just pick one. Stay with him get married take care of his parents and his children or stay single work on becoming healthy healing from the inside out. I know deep down that I cant be with him but I guess a part of me wishes when his parents come he does forget all about me. Its hard to know how to act what to say I'm tired of playing this game. over and over again the same circles never really knowing what I should be saying what I should be feeling because all I know is what I do feel and that is an unsatisfying and unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate this I hate telling him something and then changing it. will cont later...

today is not that bad

So finally a friday I am so excited and I got out of work earlier than usual. In a moment of weakness I texted him last night and as I was hitting the send button in my heart I wanted him to pick up and say hes outside but instead he was sleeping as always here I am sleepless becoming a major insomniac and he is sleeping like a baby. I am seriously obsessed this can in no possible way be healthy. I really hope that I can focus on school just finish it and move on with my life. I feel alone here like I have lost my best friend my confidant even without trying to I feel like I should have at least stayed close but then we were never good at drawing lines. One thing would lead to another and then another.

forever waiting...

There are times where I wait for hour after hour for him just to come online so I can stare at his name I open the chat box click on his name write hi but I can never muster up the courage to send it. I don't understand if its my ego that prevents me. Hopefully once his parents come he will be so distracted that he never comes online and slowly he will fade from my heart I wish it was that easy but its not. I want to go far far away from here. to a place where there is no heartbreak. I always read the work that you do is only counted by your niat what is my niat. Am i doing this to become a better person, discover myself, and become a better muslim. Or am I only doing it because I think i can do better.

recovery

what does it take to recover from a tragedy? Is there a process for each individual tragedy or is there an over all 10 step process? I am trying ever so gently to recover from this painful and heartfelt break up. Like with all painful recoveries it takes time and on cold days your scars hurt. I pray for only one thing that when I move on into the future my past doesn't hold me back. I love him has to now become I loved him, my heart is not ready for such a great transition yet my brain has made a decision my heart must compromise with. I will try to remember to keep it one day at a time. For a while I tried to blame him, thinking he emotionally abused me but it was myself all along. I needed attention and lots of it, maybe it was too much for him to handle. I don't know no one can say why or how now. Although secretly in my heart I need and pray for his company once again I know that it can never be so and although it is only an arms reach away I should steer clear of "pick me ups" If it hadn't been for this blog all my feelings would stay bottled up and I would burst like champagne out of a shaken bottle, in one burst on the poor innocent soul who touched me. Life must move on time never stops for anyone so why should I let the past prevent me from moving into my present and later on into my future.

perfect email

So last time we broke up he wrote me the worlds sweetest email. It made fall madly in love with him all over again. Why can't we be happy together why do so many things play such a big role in our small lives. I love him why wasn't that enough to keep us a float. That is the problem with our culture the individuals happiness is sacrificed for the group. I guess this is all I have now memories and his scent. He was wonderful and my jaan, but I guess what had to end ended.

too many feelings

Apparently, I have too many feelings how is that even possible. I can be quiet emotional at times though its not my fault, I get hurt easily. But why does he do things that will hurt me when i repeatedly have told him not too. What is love? this is such a confusing term to try and define. Can you love someone but not like them as a person? I think I loved him once, but he let me down so many times that it decreased. Since I was a child I had dreamt of the day that I would fall in love and prince charming would come and sweep me off my feet, but when he did come it wasn't romantic. He was controlling and possessive, my life had become revolved around him I had no friends, no social life nothing. I was all alone and all his. He made me do things I was uncomfortable with but I did them to keep him. Why is it that we try so hard to keep the ones we love?

relationship suicide

I was listening to my favorite band the script today, and I realized the difference between my relationships and the one they sing about is that I did this to myself. I am singing the song but I am also the one leaving. I don't know what to do it hurts to break your own heart but sometimes your emotions become involuntary and can cause a lot of damage. He wasn't good for me, he loved me but he didn't respect me. It would have never worked out. Maybe if I keep telling myself this over and over again I will believe it. I heard that you just have to wait out this pain, and eventually it will go away. What if I never find anyone better than him what if everyone is worse. what will i do.

Unfortunately the more you try to run from the past the faster it catches up to you. I tried to forget old times and move on but I keep getting pulled back into this bad romance. What should I do to occupy myself so much time with him and now nothing? I feel lost, and betrayed. At first it was fun being single again meeting people, making new friends, but its enough now I want stability I want security. I don't think I will ever get that again. I should take a positive outlook though as they say its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I can think of a million reasons why I left but none of them seem to make me feel any better.

At times, it feels like all the air in my lungs has been removed. It is hard to take one breath without him, but its necessary. Sometimes we have to look at the bigger picture and not just at our emotions. A relationship needs more than just love, and that is all we had. How will I ever find someone else? I wonder if he thinks of me or has he already moved on? There are so many things I wanted to accomplish, and I thought without him I would, yet here I am standing still. Hoping, praying, that this becomes easier with time and that the heart ache turns slowly into acceptance.